The Rain Starts to Fall -Paily Fic
by oneartsugar
Summary: This takes place in the past before the show, but follows Canon of the time period of when Ali was bullying Paige. Details about the note Ali sent as Emily to Paige & the note Paige wrote back & the aftermath for Paige from Ali's prank. Chapter 2 & 2.5 are all about Paige dealing with Ali's torture & trying to & failing to come to terms with herself.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Hi this is my 1__st__ fanfic ever! & I think it is gonna be a 5 chapter deal, I have most of it planned out & I hope you all like it. I'm not usually a short story or dialogue writer & this chapter doesn't have any in it because it is all in about what Paige is doing, but I am sure the next chapters will have some. Also please bear with me on my grammar & spelling & I often have tense trouble. _

_The story will pretty much follow __**Canon**__, but hopefully fill in gaps that the TV show doesn't get to do. This is a total Paily Ship & I intend to go down with it… __ This chapter is rated K, but the whole story won't be I think…so I raised the rating slightly._

_I wanna say thank you to PLL for creating such interesting characters & thanks to Lindsey Shaw & Shay Mitchell for being inspiring in so many ways._

_Disclaimer: I do not own these characters just the words I use to talk about them._

**Chapter 1 "The Rain Starts to Fall" 12-03-12**

Paige stares out the 2nd floor window in her Algebra 2 class looking at the clear blue autumn sky above her small town of Rosewood PA. The red yellow green leaves of the maple trees sway & fall as she thinks alternately of the crisp cold water of the pool this morning & of nothing at all. She is aware that she should be paying attention to the lecture because of the cascading effect that failing a test would have on her all-important GPA, but she just can't, not today. Today she is consumed with thoughts she spent years, pushing away pushing down & hiding from, the problem is today she can't avoid them. There's no way to not after the note that was stuck in her swim locker, like a message in a bottle. She'd gone to her locker to change after getting in some laps right before school in order to get ready for her day of overachieving when she noticed a light blue envelope sitting neatly on her bags with delicate looping slanty writing that she didn't recognize. Paige was in a bit of a hurry so she dressed & stuffed the envelope into her school bag, it wasn't until lunch that she had a chance to pull it out & open it up.

When she did she was shocked as she 1st started to read she had to stop many times & look around to make sure no one was watching her or reading over her shoulder. She looked across the Cafeteria in particular to make sure that Alison DiLaurentis was seated & not up wondering around messing with people like usual. Sure enough she was at her regular table with her adoring fans surrounding her; Spencer Hastings who Paige was pretty sure was gonna beat her out for the top grades this year, but certainly wouldn't beat her to the field hockey team MVP list HA, Aria Montgomery whose awesome red streaks in her hair that Paige was positive her father would never allow so she was thinking about dying hers a bright auburn that he could possibly tolerate, Hanna Marin whom she'd heard Alison call Hefty Hanna because she wasn't waif model thin (what a bitch) & then there laughing at one of Alison's jokes is Emily Fields looking amazing every time she tossed her head back in glee. Paige could hardly believe what she was reading... because it was a note from Emily herself saying things that Paige had never even imagined Emily would ever say, let alone to her. She started the letter from the beginning;

_Paige, _

_I am so sacred to write this letter to you, but I had to as my feelings were burning a hole in me. I can't stand to be around you anymore in on the Swim team & not let you know how much I want to be with you. I know I have a boyfriend, but lately I've been dreaming about you & fantasizing about kissing you, touching you, & more than I am brave enough to write here. I had to let you know in hopes that maybe you want me too. I've been staying away from you at practice & in school because I don't want anyone to catch on or see me staring at your body moving in the water. Oh God I don't know why I am writing you other than to say please please if you feel the same way, please write me back. You could send me a note back giving me a safe place & time we can meet up to talk. Leave it behind the sandwich board in front of the Bike shop today by 5pm I will come get it at 5:30 so that we are not seen together in public. Please don't text or call as no one can know about us. If you don't feel the same way please, please Don't Tell, I beg of you._

_Thinking of your amazing eyes, _

_~Emily Fields_

Paige's jaw dropped at the thought that Emily Fields was in interested in her this way. All of the feelings she'd been keeping a tight lid on her whole life bubbled up with reading this letter. She knew now that all that she was avoiding, hiding & denying was true. She couldn't really say it of course not even in her own head, but it was as if something had fit together for her for the 1st time. It felt like some piece of a cosmic puzzle yet to show its final picture, but she got the 1st corner piece she needed in order a piece it all together; it had been hidden under her nose the whole time. The most outrageous thing about this note was that Paige couldn't quite grasp how someone so amazingly beautiful like Emily could be spending time thinking about her. Her, Paige McCullers who spent all her time doing exactly what her dad wanted her to, academics, sports, & school clubs so that she could get into a great college & then go into Business like her father did. Paige who never did anything that could make her family upset or rock the boat because she knew they had worked so hard to provide for her. She was overwhelmed & nervous.

She went back & forth as to whether she should respond to this note from Emily. Something deep inside her screamed to write back & longed to connect with Emily in this way. She noticed Emily from the 1st day of school in 7th grade when Paige had moved to Rosewood. She'd bumped into Emily in the hallway & as they were both picking up their books Emily accidently brushed her hand & she felt a beautiful fire rise up in her & then settle back down when Emily was gone. At the time she thought it was just the nerves of her 1st day & meeting so many new people, but after that event anytime Emily Fields was around there seemed to be that fire feeling inside her to different degrees. If they swam next to each other in practice her times would be off until she learned the trick of not looking at Emily before diving in. If they had to be in a group for a class project she tried to make sure she never sat by her & always took charge of the group so that instead of Emily talking to Paige it was often Paige talking to Emily. These things seemed to minimize the fire, but it never completely went out when Emily was around.

Getting the letter cemented what her insides had been telling her for years…that she wanted Emily, really profoundly wanted Emily but another part of her, her head part was screaming loudly in her ear about how her father would react if he found out. Paige wasn't terrified of her father, because he wasn't a bad dad, an abusive dad nor did he even yell that much. He was just very over barring, pushing her this way & that way to succeed, to be #1 no matter what the game or subject she had to be the best & win. He wasn't mean just intimidating & given that she was petrified of talking to him about getting a B+ on her Algebra 2 quiz today she couldn't dream of talking to him about this, whatever this was. Yes, overall she thought it might just be better not to write back, not to acknowledge the note & to run the other way from Emily & her declarations as quickly as possible. To hide & bury her feelings deeper inside & focus on school, but then right as the bell rang to end lunch Emily walked past & said a brief but polite hello to Paige complete with an enormous smile & gentle flip of her amazingly glorious brown hair that melted Paige to her seat. That was it…after that smile she knew she had to write back, had to tell her without any hesitation how she felt. She had to say YES! Yes to Emily, & Yes to them together. Yes to everything that could possibly entail. In her head she started to sing that old Stevie Wonder song, "Here I am baby signed sealed delivered I'm yours" Paige knew she was hooked.

Later the nice sunny autumn day turned a bit overcast & a few drops of rain started to fall. The multicolored leaves shook in the trees as the wind started to pick up, but the weather held off not completely changing. Paige sat down at her desk & grabbed some nice stationary that she'd been given to her by her Aunt 2 years ago for as a part of a birthday gift with hopes that the art of letter writing was not lost on Paige. Though Paige had started off well sending a letter every two weeks she quickly fell into once every other month thing & now she was overdue by 2 months. The paper was thick & white with an intricate purple pattern down the side of the page & the stationary also had bright green envelopes that went with it. She paused not knowing what to say or how much to reveal, starting to worry that maybe it might be a bad idea she just put pen to paper and the words just came pouring out of her.

_Emily,_

_I can't tell you how amazed I was to get your letter, I had to read it over & over again just to make sure it was real. From my 1__st__ day here in Rosewood I felt a connection to you an overwhelming desire to be near you, but that feeling has scared me so much that I needed to run the other way. My father is a Deacon at our church & is so over protective that he can't know how I feel about you. I am afraid that if we start something there will be trouble, but I can't help being totally attracted to you. I've wanted to kiss your soft bronze skin & breathe in the scent of your long hair for so long & I just can't quite believe that you feel the same way. I would love to see if we can make some of your fantasies happen & maybe a few of mine. Yes let's meet & talk & maybe see if we can get closer to each other. Meet me at 202 W. Chester Pike at 7pm. _

_Thinking of your beautiful smile, _

_~Paige_

Paige could not believe how bold she was being, but it felt like the flood gates were opening & she couldn't stop now. She wanted her feelings for Emily to totally consume her, eat her alive so that all that was left was those feelings for Emily. She thought she might finally be doing something for herself & be actually getting what she wanted for the 1st time in her life. She might get to let her guard down, be who she is & not who everyone else wants her to be. She folded up her note put it in the bright envelope sealed it up & addressed it. The sun poked back out from behind the clouds as Paige braided up her hair, picked up the note & headed out her room, downstairs & out the door to her pale green/blue one speed bike.

(End of Chapter 1 "The Rain Starts to Fall" )

A/N: Any feedback would be great, just be nice please I am sensitive


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: This is the 2__nd__ Chapter in the back story of Paige McCullers, it picks up where the TV leaves off in the flashback of where Alison takes the letter from Paige. Things get dark from here on out…so try to hang in there. We all know things get better for Paige._

_Disclaimer: I do not own these characters just the words I use to talk about them._

**Chapter 2: The Down Pour 12-11-12**

"Damn, damn, damn! Fucking Alison DiLaurentis DAMMIT"  
Paige screamed as she watched Alison drive away in a blue VW Bug with another blonde girl. She looked around & noticed that people were starting to watch her have a total breakdown so she thought she should pull herself together. Paige hopped back on her bike & headed home taking her anger out on the ride as best as she could. She kept cursing Alison DiLaurentis for constantly starting shit with her & for being a plotting scheming horrible bitch. She started to mutter under her breath as she rode back home,  
"How does that bitch know? This is crazy she can't know, but she does know, but how does she know? Or did she just try this horrible scheme just to see if I would respond? How could Alison know, what did I do to tip her off? Did I stare at Emily too much or what? Jesus will she really tell my dad? Oh god I have to stop her... Oh god how? How can I stop her? Fuck fuck, fuck, oh goddam that BITCH!"

Paige was furious & mostly at herself for ever letting her guard down, that letter from Emily was way too good to be true & she should have know it. Of course there was no way that Emily Fields would ever feel that way about her because how could she? Emily was a beautiful goddess like woman who was great at everything & everything came easy to her. Paige started hitting her leg in frustration she knew better than to let people in, she knew better than to trust people, not to mention Emily was friends with Alison DiLaurentis & this is what Alison specializes in, torture. This was also her total confirmation that her feelings for Emily & for women were wrong. Her church taught her that, her parents reinforced it & this situation to Paige was the logical consequence for her being "this way". She knew she should have kept that door shut tight & never let those feelings see the light of day. Now she had to keep it from her parents at any cost.

But Alison DiLaurentis, she was gonna pay oh sweet God, she was gonna pay .If Alison thought the bruise Paige gave her in gym for all the bitchy comments about Paige's Eczema was bad then what Paige was gonna do to her now would be fucking crazy. Paige started to imagine insane scenarios thinking of ways to make the pain she wanted to inflict on Alison look like accidents. She only wished she was on a rival field hockey team that would give her a reason to beat the crap out of her with her stick & maybe get away with it. One thing was certain Alison deserved to get whatever Paige could think up for her & Paige was thinking that water-boarding was not off the table. As Paige biked home the clouds came back & a light rain started to fall which quickly started to pick up into an actual rain storm. All of this rage that had blazing inside her was tiring her out & after her swim laps in the morning & the excitement then disappointment of the day this bike ride home was making her feel exhausted, worn out, old even. She pulled her bike into the garage just as the sky started to drop massive drops of rain & the intensity flared up. When Paige walked in wet from the rain her dad was right there waiting to grill her about her school day, she had to think quick & do some creative editing to avoid telling him about the C+ on her Algebra pop quiz but she managed to avid him on it & be done with their conversation in under 4 min; a new record. Mostly she got away easy because she was dripping on the new silk rug & her dad didn't want her mom to know so he dismissed her. Immediately she clambered down the stairs to her basement/ground level bed room where she closed & locked the door behind her.

Once there she felt free to let all of her feelings about what Alison had done to her today take over. She started to pace back & forth in her room that feeling of total rage had started to die down & became more of a sharp total body pain. She looked out her window that was really sliding glass doors leading to the patio & the pool. The rain was really coming down; a real down pour dropping big buckets of rain splashing down & slapping the surface of the pool. She watched the rain for a while being calmed by the rhythm of the storm & it's steady flow. She turned away from the window/doors & finally she let herself collapse into a crying mess on the floor next to her bed pulling down the little green & blue patch work throw blanket she made with her nana on top of her. She curled up & let it all happen, all the shame she felt, the anger, the crushing weight of longing & loneliness that seemed to be heavier than anything she thought she could ever bear. Paige felt this enormous sense that she just lost something precious that could have/should have belong to her. Alison DiLaurentis did all of that to her with this prank. She took something Paige didn't even consciously know she needed, she took her only comfort & any hope of solidarity & she crushed it to dust. Paige felt beaten, she felt bloodied & tired. She lay there crying holding her blanket to her for as long as she dared. She knew she needed to dry her eyes & start to work on her homework because her dad would be in in a little while to check her progress & she couldn't be a mess or he would know something was up. So she got up after all the tears had stopped & went to her bathroom to wash her face & eyes.

She looked at herself in the mirror & thought she looked sort of like an abuse victim, the ones they show in the pamphlets at the women's shelter she volunteers for twice a month. Her eyes were puffy & even a little black & blue from rubbing them, but mostly it was the look of defeat in her eyes that reminded her of those women. They all had a haunted sallow look & Paige the swimmer, the would-be field hockey MVP, the overachiever, the girl who won everything because she pushed harder than anything or one else was becoming the same as them; defeated. She was beaten & she knew it, her life might as well be over because she also knew Alison would stop at nothing to nail this letter to Paige's coffin. She knew she had to toss out all plans of revenge or at least postpone them because Alison would give that letter to her parents, post it all over school & possibly the internet; she knew she would. Alison DiLaurentis was malicious & ruthless & anything Paige did to fight her back would surely blow up in her face. She had only one choice which was to meet whatever demands Alison had of her. She was going to have to do some stupid humiliating things until she could get back the letter. Somehow she had to try to play nice & cool because she was gonna have to outsmart & maneuver Alison at her own game & her rage & anger weren't going to help her. She knew that because she could see that that's what Alison feeds on other people's anger & fear. Paige refused to show that to her she decided to be strong not in the way she had been; the not taking Alison's shit pushing back, playing just as dirty as Alison way, but by doing what would be demanded from her & not showing that it hurt or bothered her. She wouldn't cry out, she wouldn't make a fuss or a scene.

The Gym incident almost got Paige in big trouble, but luckily no one saw it & it became Paige's word against Alison's so the teacher called it a wash which Alison was more than happy to let go. Paige now realized it was because she started planning this as her revenge. Paige thought is she used violence then Alison would be even crueler that she would go even deeper into fucking with Paige's life so she had to play calm & cool. She would be smart & look for a way to get the letter back & end the torture ASAP. She could do this & she knew Alison would have some sort of ransom for her secret as she has done with many other people. Paige knew Alison dealt in secrets she'd overheard her talking to a few of her past victims when Alison didn't know she was listening. She knew Alison liked to use things just like this to force people into adoring her, fearing her & generally doing what she said. Paige didn't want to be one of those people but with Alison having the letter what choice did she have. Besides all she needed to do was just play the game a bit & keep her head on, not get provoked or back down. Paige just couldn't afford to let this secret out.

Paige called down to her parents saying she'd already had dinner which was a lie & that she had tons of homework to do which was only partly true, just so she didn't have to see them the rest of the night. She pulled out her Algebra 2 homework & started on it, but only got through the 5th question before she put it away setting her alarm so she could get up early & do it in the morning. She stripped out of her day cloths found her pajamas switched off her lights & got into bed to try to sleep. It didn't come easy, her brain ran round & around, she tossed & turned thinking about the letter, Alison, Emily & her family. Finally once it was all hashed over the hundredth time in her brain she slowly fell into a heavy sleep. In her dreams she saw herself holding hands with Emily & they were walking down the side walk only the sidewalk cracked & opened. She looked up & Emily wasn't there but across the street on solid ground was Alison DiLaurentis laughing at her. She was joined by Emily, Spencer, Aria & Hanna pointing & starring at Paige on her broken sidewalk. She tried to jump from one concrete slab to another but they were melting away fast under the molten lava that oozed through the cracks devouring Paige's side of the street. She saw Emily throw her head back in a squeal of laughter & Alison staring at her & for a moment her face flashed & turned into a corpse face crusted over with bloody rotting flesh & black dirt caked around her mouth. Paige woke up & let out a scream of horror then she realized it was just a dream it however took her a while to calm back down & drift back to sleep. The rain's fairly constant white noise aided her falling asleep. When she finally did sleep it was blissfully dreamless.


	3. Chapter 2(point)5

_**A/N:**_ Thanks for the feedback sorry it had taken me a min to put up this next chapter I was dabbling in another story. This chapter goes more into Paige's life enduring Alison's torture & how she turns it inward. There is some allusion to self-harm & might trigger those who are on the edge. Please don't read if that is the case & please seek some help. Paige sort of got through on her own but we saw how that ends up for her (nearly drowning Emily).

Please share this Fic with others as I think it is a good Origin Story for Paige. I would love for more people to read it.

Next Chapter will be about the weeks surrounding Ali's disappearance & Paige.

_**Disclaimer:**__ I do not own these characters just the words I use to talk about them._

**Chapter 2.5: The Down Pour 01-17-13**

The next few weeks for Paige were spent in a constant state of terror & anxiety not being able to concentrate at school or as it would seem at practice. Her times were way off & coach was on her case to re-focus & get them back down to normal. "McCullers where are you at? Your turns are bordering on lazy & your stroke is all over the map today, are you sick or injured?" Coach asked her the 1st practice after Alison's prank in her most commanding tone. "No coach" Paige quietly answered. "Well seems to me if you're doing ok physically you should, could & will be doing better in the pool at the next practice, right?" Coach said pointedly. "Yes coach" was all she could answer she knew this was only the first telling off she would get today about her times, later when she got home her dad would ball her out for them too & insist she start meeting with a private coach he'd been trying to set up for her for a while. Just one more thing on her full to the brim plate! Paige was stressed & paranoid & she was convinced that at any moment Alison DiLaurentis would pop up from God knows where with the letter & start handing copies of them out like newspapers. She jumped when there was a knock at the door or the phone rang & she was always looking over her shoulder waiting.

Most of all she avoided Emily at all cost, just in case Alison told her about the letter or worse that Emily was in on the prank. However it seemed to Paige that Emily couldn't be that it was far more likely that Alison thought up this torture by herself. Maybe Paige just didn't want to believe the object of all of her now not-so secret obsessions could be so cruel. Then again Paige knew she wasn't the best judge of character as she had greatly underestimated Alison & look where had that gotten her. So she steered clear of Emily, which proved hard to do with them having swim practice together. Although arriving late & leaving early helped, but the real tough part was that her locker was a few lockers down from Spencer Hastings. Being a duo in Alison's crew Emily had tons of classes with Spencer & they walked to class & their lockers together all the time. Paige had to start keeping a schedule of when Spencer went to her locker so she could go to hers at opposite times. That didn't always work out so she changed books & grabbed her stuff as quick as possible & never looked up.

Yet another fallout from the constant threat of Alison's revenge was that her attitude started to devolve. She started snapping at teammates who happened to splash her. She'd yell at her mom & dad when they would get on her case about school, swimming, field hockey or any of her other extras, causing major blow outs to happen. She also took to berating this poor guy Lucas she was lab partners with that seemed to never be able to do anything right. One day in class she just went off on him, "Why are you such an complete idiot did they forget to hand you brains or did you just turn them down?" He seemed scared stiff of her & for some reason she sort of liked that feeling of power over him. So she bossed him around whenever she could & he obeyed with a look of terror in his eyes. Paige was also fairly withdrawn, the Prank made her feel like she couldn't trust anyone. She had always had very few friends & she had even less now. It seemed to her that being alone was easier but it also meant she had no one to talk to about her fears & anxiety, so they just kept growing.

She of course also tried to stay clear of Alison hoping out of sight for Alison would mean out of mind but no such luck. Paige started getting taunting notes from Alison in her locker or gym bag, even in her bike spokes. Things like: "Caught you looking at Em again! Pigskin she could never like someone like you." ~A. Alison also took to hip checking Paige in in Gym class & in the hallways saying nasty comments like, "Can't wait til your daddy finds out about you Pigskin" OR "Ooh Pigskin you're such a big lesbo perv! Your days are numbered". All signed with just Alison's initial "A" so as not to get caught or to prove to Paige that there was only one person that wielded that much power & she didn't have to sign her whole name to be scary. Besides the obvious reasons this abuse totally sucked because it didn't seem like Alison wanted anything other than to torture Paige. She didn't ask for money or favors or secrets or anything she usually dealt in. She just kept needling Paige & Paige was forced to take it, forced to hid even more than she already had. It was making her feel like she was less than worthless, less than human & totally unlovable.

Luckily her grades weren't slipping she was excelling in her English class doing better in her math & excelling in her Science class. All she could focus on to help her forget the problem was to toss herself into her school work. Her days got condensed to 6am wake up shower, get ready, breakfast, bike to school, early swim practice, school, lunch, more school, & alternate between field hockey practice & evening swim practice , then home for dinner & homework till 1am then sleep & repeats ad-nauseum . She had no social life, no friends & she was miserable. To top it off she actually lost out on Field Hockey MVP to Spencer Hastings, because coach said she was losing her fire on the field. "Of course I lose it to Spencer Hastings one of Alison's groupies, why do they all have it so easy?" Paige said as she eyed the 5 girls at lunch from a relatively safe distance. She pondered that question often & yet could not answer it. "Why did Alison get whatever she wanted & why were her chosen few alone protected from her wrath of mean girl bullshit?" She shook her head grabbed the remains of her lunch & made towards her locker.

Once there she opened it hoping that no surprises would be there, no notes or gay pride buttons like she received yesterday that read "You're here & you're queer, will daddy get used to it?" There were about a 100 of them & she had to carefully dispose of them before anyone saw. Luckily today no note & no Gay related items. She got what she needed for English class & went to get there early so she could read in peace, or relative peace. As the day wore on she got jumpy waiting for the unknown bullying shoe of the day to drop, but nothing came & it made her more suspicious & nervous. She was beyond extreme paranoia when she went to Swim practice where she had her worst fears confirmed. As she arrived late to practice to avoid Emily who was usually one of the 1st in the pool & she noticed a familiar green envelope taped to her locker.

She gulped & swallowed hard as she took the envelope carefully off the locker opening it slowly & pulling out the stationary inside. In so doing she invited the scent of bergamot & lavender out into the stale locker room air. Paige knew that scent & knew who this was from, she shuddered while opening the letter. She closed her eyes & when she opened them she saw only an invitation to a pizza party at Emily's house for the whole Shark Swim team. She breathed out heavy & realized she'd been holding her breath nearly choking on it. Then she heard the sound of some of her other late teammates arriving & looked up to notice that there were other green envelopes taped on lockers, not many because the rest of the team was in the water by now & must have already read theirs, but enough to realize this was a whole team deal. Emily had invited every shark not just her & it wasn't a prank. A senior she didn't know 7 or 8 lockers over opened hers & said out load "ooh pizza party, never say no to free Za". Just then Paige's coach walked in & yelled at everyone still in the locker room who wasn't changed & ready for the pool to hustle up & get ready to swim extra laps for being late. Paige changed as quick as she could & headed out to the pool to start her warm up laps.

The water always brought Paige clarity & it was there as she did her 9th turn that she realized what those invites really meant. They were written on the same paper as the note Alison sent, meaning that it wasn't just Alison's prank after all that Emily had to be in on it otherwise how did Alison not only get ahold of the same paper but make it smell exactly like Emily & the invite she just received. She second guessed herself thinking that there were other ways Alison could have gotten both paper & perfume without Emily's involvement, but in her heightened state of paranoia she dismissed it & began to accept that Emily was in on it. The more she thought about it the more that it seemed likely, she thought back on the past few weeks & had noticed that Emily often looked at her or rather she caught Emily looking at her often & then she quickly looked away. Paige figured now that it was her way of watching Paige to see if she was cracking under Alison's pressure or to see her cowed by Alison's prank, or to just get a rise out of Paige. It was Alison was using Emily as bait, dangling her out in front to remind Paige of what she had lost or really what she was never going to get. It was total misery this knowledge that Emily was as cruel as manipulative & scheming as Alison.

This new info had a corrosive effect on Paige tearing her up from the inside out, so that after months of this constant torture from Alison & the threat that Alison may release that letter at any time Paige started to crack even further. The notes continued & so did Paige's sense of paranoia & her belief that Emily the object of her emotional & sexual confusion was in on hurting her. She began to stop thinking of hurting Alison or even of getting the letter back. Instead she started turning that hate for Alison & her actions inward. Feeling like if she wasn't "this way" then she wouldn't be in the situation in the first place. She started taking to heart what her pastor said about "getting right with God" & new that she had to change. She started going to church every Sunday & attending all the prayer meetings & church events she could. Her parents were thrilled that she was taking a more active role in the church they thought it meant she was on her way to be a youth minister but to Paige church just meant time she didn't have to think about who she really was. She could just sit back & focus on rituals, the prayers & songs & not worry about feelings for Emily or her desires to be with women. She could just get lost & most importantly Alison DiLaurentis never came to church so she could avoid all that drama.

She felt good in church, safe, unchallenged, there was a bliss in just doing what you are told to do & thinking what you are told to think. It was late at night right as she was trying to go to bed & fall asleep that the problem started. Usually it would be an image of Emily that would pop into her head or some TV star from a cable network & those images would fill her with what the church would call, "lustful thoughts". It upset her & turned her on at the same time. She couldn't deal with both of those emotions they each fought for dominance in her mind causing a definite emotional rift. Some nights the feelings of guilt & shame would win & she would end up crying herself to sleep. Other times her feelings of lust & desire would win & she would imagine scenarios where she'd be kissing Emily or the dark haired Latina doctor from "Grey's Anatomy". Sometimes the desire would be so strong that the scenarios would go further than kissing & she would touch herself to satiate the need that grew inside her. She would usually feel worse after giving in to her desire letting the church & her inner demons do the talking in her mind. Like the momentary release of all that tension acted not like a balloon letting her float away from her worries, but like a dead weight pulling her down deeper into her shame spiral. So that most nights regardless of if she gave into desire or forced herself not to she'd end up crying herself to sleep.

This inward attack that Alison had initiated kept Paige in a more or less constant state of terror at school & a hole of depression at home. Until one night when the rain had been pounding outside all day & her mood was dark & black, Paige sat up in bed with a pocket knife & thought long & hard about using it to cut herself. She'd gotten the knife from her dad it was small like a key chain but it was really sharp. She had once used it to cut through some rubber tubing to fix her tire on her bike. She looked down at the pretty shiny thing in her hand & tried to think of reasons of why she shouldn't do it & none came. The wind howled at her window & the water beat hard fast heavy metal beats against her roof then suddenly out of nowhere earthly something clicked. It was like somewhere inside of her a whistle sounded like the one they blow at meets telling her to jump into the water & swim. A thin loud & tinny whistle it was her call to fight, to win. She knew that sound well & this time it was coming from her gut it told her to not let Alison win. To not let Alison fucking DiLaurentis pull her down to hurt herself & to not ever ever give up. She heard this clear note sound & it was maybe the strongest feeling she had ever had in her life. She didn't know where it came from, but she was glad it was there. She put the knife up & knew she'd never even use it again not even to open mail, a change had happen within her that started to grow. Paige McCullers was a winner, she was the best at everything & she would not let Alison DiLaurentis win this battle. The rain outside didn't sound ominous to her anymore it sounded powerful & strong & she decided she was gonna fight again & this time win. She got up looked outside her window & vowed to be strong, vowed to be a ballsy bitch & not let anyone get in her way. She thought about her goals swimming & school, scholarships & college & decided that nothing but them mattered not her confused feelings for women, not Alison DiLaurentis, not Emily not anyone else. A new Paige was born that night with a new purpose, to win.


End file.
